I am just overwhelmed this morning. I feel a strong urgent beat within me. A sort of classifiable “anxiety” that I’ve discovered is, new feelings – or rather, old or existing feelings, experiences and opinions that have been suppressed for so long, coming to the surface. And the rush, the surge of nervous energy is them – unfamiliar with the wind, the light, the cool air, rushing about like wicked sprites. Jubilant, expectant, pregnant with pristine circumstance, afraid but fearless.

Meeting Nina Hartley last night has changed me. Never before have I encountered a True Goddess, that so understands, encapsulates, articulates, feels, understands (did I say that yet?), embodies, heals, knows, and has experienced life and sexuality and the healing properties of faith, knowledge, sensuality, BDSM, feminine power, quite the way that she does. She is the shame eraser for women. She is the Sacred Prostitute. The Healer. And really, she is this neo-pagan woman who is here educating the masses about the power of the ancient feminine. A sexy Joan of Arc.

I’m not one who has a lot of “shame.” I am not ashamed of myself, so why would I feel shame? I can’t “be shamed” by others (and men – rather, boys – have tried). Nina explained that when a man throws a sexual epithet at a woman, it is HIS own insecurity, and that men pointed the finger at women long, long ago, and with their fear and thus hatred of the unknown and misunderstood, changed her story. We became BAD. And religion is either to blame or to follow.

Just because society says it’s “right” doesn’t mean it is. Doesn’t mean it is at ALL. And I admire men. Having to shoulder the responsibilities that they do. But, this Madonna-Whore complex that so many men have and spring on women at the earliest opportunity, is unfair, and paralyzes the growth of humanity, our unifying abilities. These men that choose the “virgin” mate, then come running to the sacred prostitute (the sexual healer, the sensual provider, the single and sensual female willing to explore her fantasies) then go running back to their wife, judging the women from which they came, is absurd. It is a limitation.

She’s right, we are not to be “tolerated” we are to be embraced, accepted, adored, worshipped by our men and our mates (male or female) for being this embodiment of the archetype warrior female energy. I don’t consider myself in any way an Alpha female. I’m strong, the wind carries me with its virility at my back to my goals and ambitions, and I am so juiced by debate, intelligent repartee, tête-à-tête’s that leave me breathless and charged up, and this woman I am – so full of life, light, faith, love, hope, natural curiosity and sweetness longs to connect and share these gifts.

My aunt says I need to find a man that is evolved. And, my mom says I won’t find a man as evolved as me. But, I want to find something in the middle perhaps. An opportunity to teach, and an opportunity to learn. And whatever we negotiate within our sex lives – monogam-ish, as Dan Savage coined his own marriage, I can’t wait!

Thank you to Nina, for being brave enough to fly down to Earth, spread the good word of sensual freedom, Buddhist philosophy, brave enough to claim she’s Atheist (I’m not, but I’m interested in Atheist’s rights) and in an open marriage, to explore her body and the bodies of hot chicks on video, to claim her anti-racist status not simply with words, but with her body – embracing black men and allowing them inside her – to feel the sacred space… allowing me inside her, to feel the sacred space of her mind last night, to hear her sacred ideas, wisdom and chant with me on the radio. I hope I can foster some of these new ideas. In the meantime, this anxiety is growth perhaps? My old Judeo-Christian ways (which I will always welcome their existence, and my own essence of objectivity) and try not to raise her as an idol too much, but to thank Heaven for showing me that I’m not the only alien in this world. I am in Unity. And I always was.

P.S.: I think it’s about respect, when it all comes into full view. Respecting others regardless of what they choose to do for a living, regardless of who they choose to be and regardless of who they love. (Maybe, if we’re feelin’ particularly lucky, ‘because’ of.)

In sensual love, connection, and freedom in flight,
Your girl forever
xoxo
Darrah

My SuicideGirls editor, Nicole Powers, asked her most frequent contributors to send along one or two tips to start the new year off right.  Well, I got a bit inspired! Wishing you a most splendid and fortuitous and inspired, healthy and happy year!  May you become the person you most wish to be.  XOX Darrah

1) Stop chasing happiness.

2) Start spending time with people that, when you depart them, you feel taller, brighter and more capable than you did before.

3) Stop sharing your body with somebody who doesn’t appreciate it.

4) Say no.

5) Say yes.

6) Remind yourself that you are worthy.

7) Set a stupid goal and accomplish it, to prove to yourself that you can.

Watch Fight Club.  Now.

9) Read more Charles Bukowski.  Now.

10) Stop fearing death.

11) Stop fearing success or failure and Just Live Your Life.

12) You may not be amazing, but you are YOU.  (You probably are amazing, but don’t waste your life being a lesser version of yourself to fulfill a fantasy.)

13) Most importantly, let go of that stupid decision that you made that you are convinced has altered your life for the worst.  It’s an opportunity to forgive yourself.  Take it.

14) Take a risk.

15) You are not your job.  Realize that.  You are not your bank account.  And, you are not who your parents or even friends think you are.  You’re probably not even who you think you are.  You are much, much cooler.

16) The past is over.  (Thank god.)  Now move your ass.

Welcome to 2012.

when you’ve liberated yourself to the point of ignition and been burned by your own hand, you learn that patience may be a virtue but self control is the angel of mercy.

Ay yi yi. I was happily scouted by FHM Magazine’s killer lead photographer Laurens Antoine, who has shot every recognizable booty in L.A.  His team wanted me to fly to Vegas for a test shoot for the international men’s mag. Being that I post ruckus pix of me in my skivvies and based off of my pithy Model Mayhem port, plus these Vitamin Viagra supplements they figured I’d be a good fit for their “late-20s, sexy young mom” slot. (Mom? Gasp!)

I am truly grateful, yet being as capricious, or, um, discerning, or um, ding-a-ling as I am, I said no. Not yet, anyway. Here’s the thing: I want to have something to promote! Don’t get me wrong – I love FHM. I love parading around in bloomers. I love the idea of being immortalized in print (or at least laminated and hung in some dude’s shower in East Hollywood) but I don’t wanna be a Hometown Honey with nothing to say!

Thus, I have tabled it until next casting. In Vegas. Cuz my de-facto manager (you know who you are!) said I better get my own recognizable butt there or else.
Apparently, he’s my pimp, too.

It just felt scary inside.  Like I needed a cocktail.  Or 5.  And a friend there to hold my hand.  Or cover my eyes.  I’m psyched for next time.  I want a cover.    They’re in love with Christina Hendricks.  Could I be so far behind?

P.S.: Apparently in the Philippines, FHM’s come with 3-D glasses!  No fair, gimme gimme.

As an ode to the nineties, I’ve watched two famous flicks from two incredible filmmakers this past week.  Reservoir Dogs (for the first time ever!) and Trainspotting.  If you came out of the Riot Girl era, like I did, then you remember the waves these films made in your high school years.  The first time I saw Trainspotting, I had no clue what the heck was going on, but I do recall my boyfriend at the time refusing to stop issuing sighs and saying he was now ‘jonesing’.  Had I only known…  Well, needless to say, I am now enlightened to both the Scottish accent and what jonesing means.  This film made me fall even deeper in love with Danny Boyle, but have no desire whatsoever to try heroin.  Ewan McGregor, however, is a different story.  Whoa.

I’ve embedded the trailer for your glorious viewing, and can only hope it will sway you to sit down, sit close, open your eyes and listen.  There are some gems in this movie and the humor translated better for me than Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, which came out a couple years later and had me similarly dumbfounded.  Plus, Trainspotting has Angelina’s ex-hubby and the soundtrack is killer.  Makes you feel OK about all the other drugs you did before you chose life, and the wagon.

OK, I’ll admit it.  I’m REALLY excited for an upcoming event, where I will be interviewing (and yes, taking a photo with) this Mad Men hottie.  (I mean, does she really need an introduction?)  Christina Hendricks completely inspires me.  Not because she’s landed on Esquire’s ‘Sexiest Woman’ list.  Not even because she’s been modeling since age 15.  But, because she’s an unapologetic, voluptuous, orange-haired, spit-fire!  She is confident about her shape, resonant in her voice, and happily married to a guy that is about half her size.  (I’m gonna guess he worships her booty like Ben Affleck in the J.Lo video “Jenny from the Block.”)

In a world of stick figures, she’s landed on the top of men and women’s bucket lists alike.  She turns heads and does other things to them.  Yes, I naughtily have a girl crush and something, even, beyond that.  We need more women like her — of every size — to break molds and stand up for what is an all-prevailing truth.  We won’t let anybody tell us what is beautiful, how to mold and bend our bodies to please others or what should come out of our mouths.  (Unless we, ahem, want it to.)

To Renaissance women.  In ALL their many forms.

P.S.: I first wrote about CH here, in a piece for SuicideGirls about America’s obsession with beauty: FUGLY.

What’s better than sudden sex? Especially when it’s got a brain at its core – a non-judgmental one, like some munificent god or orgasmic tornado that leaves you breathless, but sated?

Dripping with curiosity, with a propensity for the outer edges of normalcy, Gotta Have It gets the job done with a Cheshire grin.

Maria See’s salacious short “Hunger” boldly defies typical erotica. It’s vulnerable and longs. It fearlessly reminds us that we all come from a woman. That we are all children inside and desire like children, even with men, even with other women, even as adults. That at the end of the day – we all want to be wanted and needed, even if we can’t say it. Of her lover, the maudlin heroine states “I want to lactate. In your mouth. I want to feed you, protect you.”

“I’ve always had a thing for pissed-off girls and medical paraphernalia, but I try to play it cool.” Says the knee-high boot wearing babe in Kirsty Logan’s story “Pierced.” While it involves only clamps and latex gloves (no tongue, no dick) she still manages to arouse.

Another standout is Geneva King’s “Last-Time Lesbian” about a transitioning guy (Female to Male) and his once-lesbian girlfriend. He is soon undergoing surgery to remove his breasts and change his “perfectly functional, beautiful, orgasmic pussy” into a “replica of something that won’t be truly functional” muses the narrator, his lady. An interesting and very realistic tale of what it’s like to fall in love with one incarnation of a soul and have to ride the rhythms of a changing exterior. What does it mean for her? What does it mean for them as a couple?

This ain’t no straight and narrow, safe & clean erotica. (It’s from Cleis after all.) Yes, it’s pornographic, yes, it’s literary. Yes, it tears at you and chances are… you’ll remember it when you come face to face with your next lover’s sweet and salty parts. Heck, you may even learn a move or two with these bite-size aperitifs. Have fun!

Q & A with Nobel Prize Winner Doris Lessing (Literature) for ‘12 Most Influential Women in History’ for Singles Magazine, Korea

Writer’s Note: Lessing was almost 90 years old when we spoke and coupled with a bad phone connection (me in L.A., her in the UK) plus her irritation at my personal questions, this proved to be a challenging interview!  In the end, she hung up on me!

By: Darrah de jour

Ddj- In recent years, ‘golden singles’ have been one of the most discussed phenomenon in Korean media. ‘Golden singles’ is the term used to describe women with professional careers who prefer to stay unmarried and enjoy the freedom to date men and spend their time for themselves. But in Korea, at least to some people, equality between the two sexes means the end of the concept of family as they know it; and to many – men and women alike – ‘golden singles’ are people who ‘failed’ to get married. We’d like to know what you think about this and the importance of marriage.

DL: A lot of women who don’t get married are perfectly happy.  There’s nothing wrong with it at all.

Ddj- A dilemma single Koreans face in life seems to come from the fact that people are not free from the eyes of millions of beholders. There are too many ‘standards’ to meet; people are not allowed to fail! Would you have any advice/suggestions for ones who want to break free?

DL: Live as if the standards don’t exist.  Do what you want.

Ddj- Do you feel that you’ve done what you’ve wanted?  Lived how you’ve wanted to?

DL: Yes, I’ve done what I wanted and it’s worked very well.

Ddj- Do you believe that the rights of women in the modern world are truly being enhanced? Did you witness some significant progress? Do you see any sector that needs to be ‘opened up’ for women?

DL: Yes, there’s been a lot of progress, things are far better than they used to be.  They are much better where I am, I’m not sure about your country.

Ddj- What do you think the word ‘freedom’ means for women?

DL: That’s a silly word. Freedom. If you are referring to the chapter in my book The Golden Notebook titled “Free Women” it was meant in an ironical sense.  Because the women in the story were far from free or behaving as free. They were continually making decisions as if they were not free.  As if they were bound to something else.

Ddj- What do you think people are bound by?

DL: Oh, bound by all kinds of societal ties.  They make decisions as if they were not…as if they were bound.

Ddj- What ideas and thoughts do you want your readers to have after reading your books? Is there anything that you aim to ‘provoke’?

DL: At the very least, criticism of society.  I don’t write in order to change ideas.  I sort of write as I see I have to.  Not trying to change anyone’s idea.

Ddj- What advice would you like to give to single women who will be mothers in the not-too-distant future?

DL: That’s an extraordinary question.  My advice is, when they have a child their lives are changed completely. Nothing they’ve heard will represent what actually happens. Words cannot adequately describe it.

Ddj- Tell me about your latest work The Cleft.  What was your inspiration for that?  Had you carried the idea for awhile and it developed slowly, or was it something that came to you suddenly?

DL: I developed it over a time, especially recently.  It’s an anti-war book.  When I wrote the anti-war novel, it was because of war continually springing up everywhere.  The latest Israel/Gaza one.  Anyone who has lived through a war knows it’s a terrible thing.  If everybody did, they’d think twice about starting one.

Ddj- In Alfred and Emily, you rewrite a life for your mother where her talents are recognized and her funeral is attended by hundreds.  If you could rewrite your own life, what would be different for you?

DL: I would have been happier as a traditional farmer.  I was brought up on a farm.

Ddj- Really, I find that fascinating.  So you think you would have had more peace?

DL: Peace?  What makes you think I’m interested in peace?  (Laughs.)  I think I would have been happier doing that then the way things have gone.

Ddj- More than being a writer?

DL: Yes.

Ddj- Famed Author Jane Smiley has said that because of your novel The Golden Notebook, she believed at age 20 that “a woman could write about anything.”  Is there anything you wouldn’t write about?

DL: Never crossed my mind.  Why would it?  You know this country has a long tradition of women writers, dating back to the 17^th Century.  Women have been writing about everything.  And they should.

Ddj- Did you ever think that in your lifetime, you would witness the son of an African man becoming president of The United States?

DL: No.  Never would.  It’s an extraordinary, wonderful thing.

Ddj- What strides do you think Barack Obama will make to better the United States?

DL: Well he couldn’t have made it worse!  You know, the U.S. has had this bad presence for four years.  He’s got something of a job to put things right.  So much is hoped for from him.

Ddj- What impact, if any, do you think his presidency has on closing the gap for a woman to become president?

DL: Well, we nearly did with Hillary Clinton.  I think she would’ve made an excellent president.  But, it’s a matter of luck.