There I am, with my new do! I finally got the chutzpah to lighten up my naturally scarlet locks, and also go wavy. It’s so fun! I’ve been so reticent to change my hairstyle and color because 1) natural redheads are so scant – only 1-2% of the population have it 2) Everybody has told me my whole life that I “shouldn’t touch” my hair. It’s been a liberating experience to buck that advice. While I adore who I am and accept myself as fully as I can; body, mind, spirit, rebellion, traditionalism, fear, friendliness and persistent aching for repose, I am eager to embrace change often.
Speaking of change, I am now a mom. Crazy! I like being a mom so much! I feel my daughter is by far my biggest achievement. And, she’s only little still. I can’t believe I made her in my body!! I am breastfeeding and pumping (six times a day), so my time is very regimented and I have to be diligent about the routine. It’s a strange endeavor. It’s so important for me to give her this nourishment, but I won’t lie, it has me a little disconnected from my breasts. Well, how can I explain it? They just have this higher and different function than they did before. And, they’re being pulled at by a machine! That’s odd. However, I am very strong minded and I endure the minor inconvenience of it, because breast milk is best for baby. And, I am willing to sacrifice for her.
So many changes are abound. It’s crazy. But, I have a ridiculously supportive man in my life, who listens and helps me to communicate better. He is very successful at life. At maintaining friendships, at loving, at being present, at being distracted by work… hehe, and he’s great at accepting me fully for who I am. We are very honest with each other, and that honesty has afforded us a closeness unrivaled. If you keep secrets from your lovers, you have barricades – walls – that they can’t climb. And, I had walls for so long. It’s nice to be able to receive love from a fine man, and know that I don’t have to lie to him for it. Because that’s not real true love anyway. And, I’m tired of pretending.
I’m trying to get the motivation lately to be more of a participant in my own life. I know that sounds weird. Especially because I’m a mom now and really, there’s nothing that requires one being in the moment more than parenthood. But, I’ve been feeling like I’m listless in my dreams of really being a writer. I’m fatigued at pushing forward and trying to sell my script. I’m sitting in the passenger seat and have lost a certain amount of energy. I would like to remedy this. I’d like to get in the driver’s seat and go! In the meantime, I’m still recovering from birth! This gnawing, this restless energy is a double-edged stiletto. I’ve always had the feeling I wasn’t doing enough. Maybe it’s what keeps me going, but it is always there, sometimes just more loud and biting.
Ideas for resolution (and revolution): waking up early, exercising, meditation, journaling more, healing thoughts, healthy juices, making new friends, going to therapy, getting a trainer, talking to trusted friends, listening better, being in nature, taking a class in an interesting subject, reconnecting with people who know me well, traveling to a state I’ve never been to, using my senses more, drawing, spending time with my daughter, and following my instincts.
Sigh. This will be a good year, I hope. I’ll let you know how things progress.
P.S.: I watched Wolf of Wall Street tonight. I turned it off early. I couldn’t bear it any longer. What a vulgar, useless movie. Shite! However, Dallas Buyer’s Club was fantastic. That and American Hustle rocked the sox off of 2013 popular cinema for me.
P.P.S.: Spent the holidays in a gorgeous big ole cabin in the mountains of Palm Springs. A li’l town called Idyllwild. If you wanna enjoy a really fantastic getaway with *no* chain stores (although, be warned, the businesses have wild hours conducive to their mood) and a friendly, relaxed vibe alongside nature galore, go to Idyllwild.
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